then soft as shadows we'll become
by bars of ambrosia
Summary: Keith has nightmares. Sparring helps him sleep. Specifically sparring with Lance. Set before Keith joins the Blade of Marmora, and after the team found Shiro. Title from the song "Sea of Voices" by Porter Robinson.
1. Chapter 1

_The panic does not set in when Keith wakes up in the dirt._

 _Waking up in the desert happened far too often to seem unusual. He and his father lived under the beating sun, spent hours upon hours tirelessly fixing cars and motorcycles in the front yard of their shack, or preparing the house for a sandstorm. Desert was in their blood. The soles of their feet were always blackened, their skin peeling and red from sunburn. Some nights, Keith and his father would lay out sleeping bags and sleep under the stars. That was something that the two of them had always shared, their love of the night sky. In the morning, Keith would find his father protectively curled around him, and they would go inside the shack to make breakfast. Waking up in the desert does not make him panic. The ropes bound around his torso and ankles, however, do._

 _The ropes dig into his skin, burning whenever he contorts his body. Darkened clouds ooze inky rain, which creates a black haze around him. His white t-shirt is stained with soot. His teeth and limbs chatter as he shakily lifts his torso up to sit on his bottom. The sound of wild dogs growling in the distance makes his already racing heart jolt. Keith squints, and in the distance, he sees the outline of a wall of flames. He does not know how a fire can burn so violently during a desert storm, but somehow the flames flourish here. He knows that screaming is useless, even dangerous in a desolate area crawling with wild animals, but it is all he knows how to do without his body to find his way home._

 _So he screams._

 _He screams and screams and screams until his vocal cords are calloused and his shrieks become shriveled coughs. The fire is coming closer, and no one can hear him dear God dear God dear God why can't anyone hear him? He attempts to let out one more scream, but it is that of a child. Thirst licks at his pained throat, and smoke is starting to make his eyes burn, and he falls to the earth in exhaustion._

Keith jolts up when he awakens and lets out a hoarse scream. His heart beats with an urgency that it usually reserves for battle. When Keith lifts up his blankets, he sees that he's wet himself. His crotch and a huge portion of his sheets are soaked with piss. This has not happened since after his father died, and it leaves him shaken. The unpleasant, wet warmth is still familiar to him, and he hates it.

He hates everything that reminds him of sleeping alone in the desert and having to wash his sheets every day. He hates everything that reminds him of the authorities finally finding him in that desert shack and sending him to a group home. He hates everything that reminds him of waking up early so he would have enough time to clean up before the other kids could see what he'd done in his sleep (eventually the other kids found out. They always found out). He hates everything that reminds him of his life before he found Shiro, before he found flying, before he found freedom in the stars and planets, freedom in even the idea of escaping the planet that he always knew he didn't fully belong to.

Keith wipes tears from his eyes ( _when did I start crying?_ ), grabs a change of clothing from his dresser, and walks to the showers to clean himself. At this point, he does not give a fuck about his pee-stained sheets. He's not going to sleep tonight anyway.

All he wants to do is focus on the hot stream of water cascading down his back. Training today physically destroyed everyone on the team, and the heat from the shower relaxes his aching muscles.

Without consciously realizing it, Keith scrubs and scrubs and scrubs at his skin. He is trying to remove dirt from all of the crevices of his body.

His skin turns red and irritated, and he stops when he remembers that the dream wasn't real. It's almost as if he can still smell the soot, and the smoke still burns his eyes, and the cold from the rain is still pounding against his back and soon his hands and feet are going to lose circulation and turn blue and the fire is still coming toward him and-

 _It's not real._

 _Remember that it's not real._

 _..._

The training room is Keith's home away from home at the castle. Every night, he practices with the training dummy until he can't anymore. The aching muscles, and the tiredness that comes after hours of exertion calm him down. Training makes his overactive brain shut up.

But after the nightmare, it doesn't work. He battles with the bot for half an hour, completing level after level, yet peace won't come. The rapid heartbeat, and the sweat dripping down his sides, and the heat rising to his chest and shoulders usually comfort him. He experiences all of the physical sensations, but not the relief that usually accompanies them.

Suddenly, someone bursts in through the door of the training room, and Keith turns to find Lance in his pajamas, though they don't look like they've been slept in.

"Hey Keith, what's up?" Lance asks through a mouthful of food. In his hand is what looks like a lilac-colored pear with dark-blue flesh.

"Lance, it's three in the morning, why are you awake?"

"Oh, sometimes I have trouble sleeping. I spent the last hour trying to beat all of the levels on _Killbot Phantasm I_. The hour before that I spent staring at a wall trying to understand if life actually has a purpose." He bounces on the balls of his feet. "It's an ADHD thing."

Despite it being three a.m., Lance doesn't look tired. In fact, he looks more energetic than he does during the day, which is saying a lot. Keith notices that Lance rambles, even more, when he's "wired," as Lance put it. A dribble of dark blue fruit juice slides down Lance's chin, and he wipes it with the back of his hand.

"Why are you up sparring with the robot? Allura's training fucked us all up today. I still can't feel my arms."

"I guess I couldn't sleep either. Training helps me clear my head."

"Can I join? We could team up, destroy the bot together."

"I thought you said that you couldn't feel your arms?" Keith is surprised when a small, but tired smile manages to leak out of him.

"Yeah, well I still can't sleep, and I've tried everything else, so maybe I should try your way." For the first time since Keith has met him, Lance looks timid, almost shy.

"You'd only slow me down," Keith says with a deadpan tone. He knows that it's not true, that Lance has become a worthy and useful fighter since the team has left Earth. But right now, the familiarity of bickering with Lance is comforting, and Keith needs to be comforted.

"Oh, you are gonna pay for that," Lance screams while gesturing wildly. "Me against you, let's do this." Keith smiles. This so-called "rivalry" used to annoy him, used to leave him feeling cold and distant toward the rest of the team. Now, it brings him comfort. Their relationship almost reminds Keith of the siblings on the TV shows he watched when his dad was at work. Yes, they bickered relentlessly, but under that rough exterior was a relationship built on love, on trust. TV siblings always loved each other, no matter what. The weight of his responsibilities feels lighter when he thinks about that type of love.

Lance joins Keith in the fight deck. Keith goes into fighting stance.

"So, no bayards?" Keith asks with a smirk.

"Nah, I doubt your sword could measure up to my gun."

Keith doesn't respond, only cocks his head from side to side. They put their fists up and start to circle each other. The two, in their own ways, for their own reasons, are exhausted. They are exhausted, but sleep will not come. They are exhausted, but both of their brains are wired for movement, for action, for constantly running toward something that they pray will give them peace. They are exhausted, but sleep will never cure what they have.

So they fight.

...

They fight, and though they bruise each other, no one comes out the winner. Keith is fine with that. If he had won, then Lance would have kept badgering him for a rematch or kept accusing him of cheating. But if Lance had won, he would have bragged about it for days. It was a miracle that they were both too exhausted to continue on.

The two walk back to their rooms in an attempt to get some sleep before Allura wakes them up for drills. As they walk, Keith starts to see the fatigue on Lance. There are dark circles under his eyes, his shoulders droop toward the floor, and his walk just isn't as bouncy as it normally is. Keith knows that he probably doesn't look much better, but it's strange to see Lance in this state. It's usually a bad sign when even Lance is out of energy.

"Well, goodnight," Lance says. "Or technically, good morning, because it's four in the fucking morning."

Keith lets out a small smile.

"Good morning, Lance."

They wave goodbye and walk to their respective rooms. When Keith enters his room, he turns on the lights and immediately sees the pee-stains on his sheets. He lets out a sigh and goes to work.

Keith strips the bed of his sheets and blankets and walks across the palace to the laundry room. The room is covered in white tile, and along the walls are giant tubs. He fills the tub with steaming hot water, adds in the baby blue cleaning crystals, and pushes his sheets under the water. It seems strange to Keith that Alteans, with all of their advanced technology, couldn't make a washing machine.

But he doesn't complain, even though he knows that Pidge could easily make a washing machine. He likes the process of cleaning his clothes. Keith stirs the bathwater with his hand to make sure that the crystals dissolve, and then rubs the darkened area of the sheets for five minutes.

It reminds him of doing laundry with his father. Every Friday, they soaked the few pieces of clothing that they had with some sort of cleaning fluid in their bathtub, and then hung it up on a line to dry. Keith followed his dad with the laundry basket and handed him the pieces of clothing. When his father was alive, he was always too short to reach the wire. If his father had lived long enough, Keith would have outgrown him by at least a few inches. Sometimes he sees himself clipping his clothing to the line with his father, with the clear desert sky above them, and his father laughing at one of his own jokes (he doesn't like to think about this. He hates thinking about this. So when he starts to think about it, he goes to the training deck).

Keith leaves the sheets in the tub to soak. He's not worried about the rest of the team finding them in the morning. After years of wetting the bed, he's learned how to evade people's questions (when Shiro found Keith's sheets in the wash when he first arrived at the Garrison, Keith had told him that he had had a wet dream, and Shiro never asked him another question pertaining to why Keith washed his sheets so often).

He walks back to his room, pulls out the spare sheet and blanket from his closet, and sets his bed up. Though he showered only a few hours ago, he showers again to wash off the sweat. The scalding hot water runs down his back the second time this night, but the urge to scrub himself of desert debris isn't there anymore.

Keith doesn't bother putting on any clothing when he gets into bed. When he was younger, he slept naked because he liked the feeling of his blanket against his skin. He flings his body onto the bed and looks at the ceiling. Keith knows that he probably won't go back to sleep tonight. He'll probably stay awake until Allura wakes them up to run a drill, and he shows up dead on his feet. But at the very least the horrifying thoughts that usually swirl around in his brain after a nightmare have quieted.

For once, Keith thinks that he's experiencing the perfect silence of space.


	2. Chapter 2

Keith wakes up when he normally does, at six a.m., and looks down at his sheets. They are completely dry, and he cannot remember his dreams, so he lets out a sigh of relief. Usually, when he has nightmares, as he has for the past week, they haunt him every night. Any respite leaves him thankful, even if he doesn't know how long it will last.

Today, Keith wakes up early. He knows he should train, and that's what he would usually do, but he wants to rest. For the past week, he's wanted nothing more than to rest without dealing with an emergency or intrusive, worrying thoughts.

Usually, he would have ignored this desire. But it's been so long since he's had time for himself, time to properly just lay back and daydream, and he wants to indulge himself. So he lies back down, closes his eyes, and lets his mind drift. And soon enough, his head starts to feel heavy on his pillow, and he drifts back into a dreamless sleep.

Keith wakes up (for the second time that morning), to someone pounding on his door.

"Keith," Pidge yells. "You're late for breakfast. Shiro told me to come get you."

"Be right there."

He checks to make sure that he hasn't wet the bed, and again, he's lucky to wake up to dry sheets. Rather than bother with getting dressed or looking presentable, he realizes that he's starving, and decides to go to breakfast looking like a slob.

"Hey, look who finally showed up," Lance says in an overly-loud, but energetic, voice (though, when Lance is talking, is it ever at a reasonable volume?).

"It's nice to finally see your face," Shiro adds.

Keith doesn't respond and sits down at the table.

Allura preps them for their next diplomatic mission. Keith doesn't listen to much of what she has to say, partially because he isn't allowed at diplomatic meetings after what happened on the last planet they visited (that Iratan prince provoked him, it's not Keith's fault that he reacted by breaking his nose and several of his ribs), and partially because Lance is attempting to play footsie with him underneath the table (also known as artfully kicking Keith in the shins subtly enough that Shiro can't catch him). All Keith knows is that he has to stay by Shiro's side, wave to friendly civilians, and smile. He can manage that.

...

Apparently, Keith can't manage just standing by Shiro and waving. He probably should have listened more closely to Allura and Coran when they debriefed the team, because on this planet, waving is equivalent to flipping someone off on earth. So Shiro and Allura banish him to his room in the planet's castle while the team tries to calm the angry crowd of Arielians. Keith is fine with that.

Amaria, the queen of Ariel, insisted that the Paladins all stay in the finest rooms in the castle. All of their rooms are gigantic and have beautiful carvings on the incredibly tall ceilings. Keith stands by the window and looks over the city. The view from his room is gorgeous. Scarlet and turquoise buildings line the city's streets. Though it seems like many civilians have flocked to see the Paladins, a flea market is still bustling with business. The entire city feels so alive, even though it's in the middle of a desert. It reminds him of his old shack. Though, back at his shack, he always enjoyed the silence of the desert, or, when he was younger, the quiet sound of his father humming. He doesn't know if he would prefer silence or city noise right now.

Keith turns away from the window and rests against the mountain of silky pillows on his bed. Almost absentmindedly, he pulls out his knife and turns it over in his hand. He lightly traces the symbol that connects the blade to the handle with his index finger. Keith pretends that this movement is thoughtless, that this is just him unconsciously fidgeting with his knife. That he's not thinking about what the symbol represents. That he's not thinking about how owning this knife, with this specific symbol, could change his future.

He switches to twirling the knife back and forth in his hand, and stares at the intricate carvings on the ceiling. They are difficult to understand, at least for someone from Earth. Keith eventually gives up on this task. He sheathes his knife, gets off of the bed, and cracks his neck back and forth while stretching his arms across his chest. If he can't leave the castle, then he might as well get some training done. Keith drops to the floor, starts doing pushups, and lets his mind wander. He's going to make the most of these few hours that he has alone.

...

A freshly showered Keith hears a knock on his door. He quickly wraps a towel around his waist.

"Who is it?" Keith asks loudly with his ear to the door.

"It's Pidge. Shiro wanted me to tell you that you're not on time-out anymore."

Keith opens the door, and Pidge recoils at the sight of him.

"I'm a child, Keith. Put on some fucking clothes when you're around me," she says while covering her eyes with her hands.

"Most children don't have the potty mouth that you have."

"I wouldn't swear at you if you weren't dressed like a slut."

"Pidge," Lance yells, "don't slut-shame people."

Keith hears footsteps, and suddenly Lance appears in the doorway and puts his hands on Pidge's shoulders.

"We're all going to explore the city tonight," Lance gushes.

"Well, except for Allura. She's still doing diplomat stuff with the prince," Pidge says. Keith sees Lance's smile falter, for just a millisecond, before he returns to his usual cheerful self. As the new Black paladin, he thinks that maybe he should talk to Lance about his feelings for Allura, and how they seem to be scratching at him from the inside (Keith isn't great with people, but even he can see that Lance is desperately in love with Allura). But then Lance opens his mouth again, and the thought vanquishes from Keith's head.

"Well, put on some clothes, you little slut, let's get going. I want to explore the city," Lance says. He's so loud that it echoes down the hallway, and Keith grimaces.

"I thought you said that you shouldn't slut-shame people," Keith replies.

"I'm reclaiming the word, now go get dressed."

Keith rolls his eyes, closes the door, and gets ready to explore a new world with his fellow Paladins.

...

The team goes to a nightclub, which is not and never will be Keith's idea of a good time, but he doesn't complain. Everyone else seems to be in good spirits, and he doesn't want to ruin the mood. Also, because the club is so dark inside, and Keith has a hoodie on, most of the Arielians don't recognize him as the rude idiot at the parade earlier that day.

No one on the team is allowed to drink, so they can't enjoy the bar or all of the Arielians who want to buy the heroes drinks, but the team manages to enjoy the night. Lance and Hunk have fun by spending the evening on the dance floor. Pidge studies all Arielian technology that she can find. Shiro and Coran tell curious Arielians stories of their adventures. Coran somehow inserts himself into every story told, while Shiro only interrupts to politely correct Coran's versions of their space adventures.

Keith sits silently beside the two men as they tell their stories. He busies himself by playing with the strings of his hoodie or braiding small bits of his hair (an old nervous habit he did as a child whenever he had to be around other kids).

He escapes to the bathroom after half an hour of trying to hide. Over time, he's gotten better at dealing with crowds, but he still needs a break. He stands in front of the bathroom sink and rubs his temples in an attempt to ease the headache that he's developed, but it doesn't do anything.

An Arielian walks in on Keith splashing cold water on his face. Keith thinks the Arielian is male (Arielians are surprisingly human-like but with less pronounced sexual characteristics and lilac skin). The man walks to the sink beside Keith. He's a few inches taller than Keith and has white hair that almost glows. Despite being an alien, he reminds Keith of his first kind-of-boyfriend.

Keith was fourteen, and he shared a foster home with a boy named John who had white hair and clear blue eyes. After dinner, they spent hours in the treehouse in their backyard. They lived in each other's hands when people weren't around. Before meeting John, Keith had been kissed by girls in elementary school and at awkward school dances that he was forced to attend, but never in a real way. He was never kissed in the way that mattered until he met John. Keith loved running his bruised fingers through the boy's hair. They didn't have much in common, except for both being two closeted queer kids who went from foster home to foster home, but that was enough to bring them together in a small desert town.

They were caught by their foster parents when they accidentally fell asleep in the treehouse on a warm summer night. Their foster parents climbed into the treehouse late at night, when they realized the boys weren't in their respective beds and found the two boys tangled together in sleep and covered in love bites.

They both got bruises for "sinning" (Keith has seen a lot of bad shit in his life, so even at the age of fourteen, he knew that nothing he had ever done with John was close to evil), but Keith was the one who had to leave. It always felt like Keith was always the one who had to leave to make room for others, that him leaving was always done to improve their lives somehow.

The Arielian smiles at him. Keith realizes that he's been staring at the man for far too long. Keith manages a small smile back.

"Hi. I'm assuming you're one of the paladins of Voltron?"

"Uh, yeah. I am." Keith worries that the man will cuss him out for being so rude at the service earlier that day.

"Well, thank you for protecting the universe," the man says in a completely sincere tone with a little smile. It catches Keith off-guard.

"It's my pleasure."

They stare at each other for a few seconds, unsure of what to do. The man coughs.

"So, can I buy you a drink?"

It seems as though the man is suddenly towering over Keith. His smile is wide and causes his eyes to crinkle. Keith notices a scar on the man's chin, and his mouth starts to water.

"I actually can't drink, because, you know, I have to be able to fight at any moment," Keith stammers.

"I can buy you a nonalcoholic drink. You know, as a thank you for saving the universe." The man grins. Keith melts.

"Sure. What's your name, by the way?" Keith feels his cheeks heat up.

The man lets out a string of unintelligible noises. "But all my friends call me JJ."

"Cool. I'm Keith."

"Cool."

...

JJ brings Keith to a table in the back, and they spend the next few hours talking about random, unimportant things. Keith doesn't worry about being a paladin, or the unpleasantly familiar symbol on his knife, for the first time in ages. And he doesn't have to deal with loud noises and bright lights hidden in the corner with a cute boy.

Suddenly a hand squeezes Keith's shoulder. He startles, but calms when he looks back and sees Lance.

"Hey buddy," Lance says. "Hunk and Pidge have joined a dance contest. Wanna join us, help defend team Voltron?"

Keith internally panics, and smiles politely at JJ, who looks both amused and confused by Lance's interruption.

"I'm actually talking to someone right now."

Lance looks at JJ. His brow furrows in confusion for a second, before he realizes what's going on.

"Oh. I'll see you at the hotel later, then."

Lance turns around and joins Pidge and Hunk on the dance floor. Keith is grateful that Lance has left him alone, but he's confused by Lance's behavior. Usually, Lance would have been overly-friendly with all strangers, and especially cute ones like JJ. Lately, he's been behaving in more confusing and erratic ways than ever before, and it leaves Keith worried.

Suddenly, JJ puts his hand over Keith's, and all important thoughts fly out of Keith's head.

"So, my home is just a few blocks away from here…"

Keith smiles at him, and they get up to leave.

...

Keith and JJ sit on JJ's bed. He shows Keith what seems to be an Arielien graphic novel, and is talking about literature and other shit that Keith doesn't care about. Keith puts his hand on JJ's thigh, and traces little circles and squares with the tip of his finger. JJ grins and puts down the comic book. Keith moves his hand up and up and up, until he leaves the boy moaning and breathless.

...

Keith's brain is quiet when they're done. JJ says something about Keith spending the night, but Keith just offers him a polite smile and says that he has to get back to the castle. Keith leaves before JJ can ask him for his contact information. The guy is nice, but Keith only wants stress relief.

The night air is biting. He puts his hood up and briskly walks back to the castle. He doesn't have to say anything to the guards in front of the entrance, because they let him in wordlessly.

Keith tip toes through the hallways while on the way to his room. He's glad that the other Paladins are hidden in their rooms, because he doesn't want to explain where he's been and what (or who) he's been doing. And though he's calm, he's not tired, and wants to keep exploring.

He enters a room that appears to be a lounge. Glowing green vines with bright blue and red flowers spread across the shelves and walls. Couches and chairs that look like they're made of glass are placed in the center of the room, and a glass door leads to a balcony.

And there, standing on the balcony with a glass bottle in hand, is Lance. Keith walks across the room, opens the door, and braces himself to the cold.

"Hey," Keith says.

"Hey." Lance's cheeks are flushed, and the light from the full moon makes his skin glow. He and Keith lean against the railing. Lance lifts the bottle to his lips, and knocks his head back. Keith notices Lance's adams apple move when he swallows, and averts his eyes. Lance is abnormally quiet.

"Lance, what are you drinking?" Keith asks.

"I don't know, something from the bar." Lance slurs.

"Wait, are you drunk?"

"I'm a little tipsy."

"Are you fucking stupid? Do you know how dangerous this is? We have to be able to pilot the lions at any minute. We are the universe's only hope. You can't fight in this state. You are putting everyone in the universe in danger-"

"Oh, like you always play it safe, Mr. 'I go home with strange alien men and put their alien dicks up my ass."

Keith's face scrunches in an unpleasant manner, and he lets his forehead fall into his hand. "I…god, I don't even know where to begin with that."

"What, am I not wrong?" Lance yells. Keith shushes him.

"I think whether or not I've had a dick near my ass is none of your business," Keith whispers.

"Was there one near your mouth?"

"It's strange that a heterosexual wonder-boy like you would have such a fascination with my very gay sex life."

"So you did blow him?"

"Lance, shut up."

"Also, fucking one guy over the course of two years in space doesn't mean that you have a sex life."

"Yeah, but I bet you that I've still fucked more people than you have, haven't I?" Keith knows that they're entering dangerous territory, that one of them is going to say something that they will deeply regret, but fighting with Lance has given him a rush of adrenaline.

Lance looks hurt for a second. Then, his mouth becomes a grim line.

"You know who else got laid tonight? Fuckin' Allura. She went to the room of some hot royal prince or somethin."

The rush of adrenaline that Keith previously had from arguing with Lance is now completely gone. Keith is new to leading Voltron, but his instincts tell him to comfort Lance, though they don't tell him how.

"I'm sorry that Allura doesn't like you. But getting drunk endangers not only the rest of the team, but everyone in the universe," Keith says in a soft voice. He wishes that Shiro were here, because Shiro was always better at giving people advice. As Keith says this, he knows that it sounds overly-simplistic, and he tries to imagine what Shiro would say, but his mind draws a blank.

Lance starts crying. His cries are deep and throaty, and come from a place deep within Lance. This is when Keith realizes that Allura is not just Lance's crush. She is so much more than that to him. Keith thinks of Shiro and Adam, and wishes even more so that Shiro was here giving Lance advice. Shiro understands this type of loss more than Keith does.

"Look, Lance-"

"Just leave me alone, okay? Jus…just fuck off," Lance slurs as he walks into the building. Keith tries to follow him, but somehow Lance has gotten lost among the maze of hallways in the palace.

Keith walks back to his room. He swears he can still hear Lance's footsteps echoing the hallways, and it hurts his heart. But he knows there's no point in trying to help Lance while he's in this state. Tomorrow morning he'll have to deal with it as the team leader, and the thought makes his stomach twist with anxiety.

He sits on his bed, finally tired from the long night he's had, and almost absentmindedly pulls out his knife. Keith flips it back and forth in the palm of his hand, while staring at the symbol carved where the blade meets the handle. He thinks back to finding this knife in the attic when his father died, with an annoyingly simple note with four words: _This was your mother's._

 _Maybe Lance and I do have some things in common_ , Keith thinks. _We both know pain from a relationship that never existed._


End file.
